Do the Kids Always Have to Come First?

‘You have to fit them into YOUR life’.

That’s what everyone told me.

But having only had those few first blissful moments with my new baby as reference,  I thought it all sounded rather harsh and unrealistic.

‘Babies and children…’, I waxed,’.. need alot of attention and all of you’.

I for one intended to be devoted to my kids.

I had waited for them, and looked forward to being a mom for so long that I was excited about doing everything for, and with, my kids.

Hindsight, as the case so often is, has given me a new perspective.

Looking at things from the other side of having my second child, I now see it is SO TRUE.

I was too caught up in being devoted to my kids, thinking I was showing my love for them by providing for their every need and desire.

Making sure they had, and experienced, things they didn’t even know they wanted.

I was trying to be the ‘perfect’ mom.

What I have come to learn, at no small cost to my own mental well being, is that:

a) There is no perfect mom. Every kid is different, so its not like you could have predicted what kind of mom you should be for them.

b) The greatest gift you have to give your children is a you that is fully YOU .

I still felt a huge desire to give my kids the best and be there for the big and small moments in their lives, but I saw that I didn’t need to make sure that every minute of their day was providing them with some sort of entertainment, education, or interaction with me.

I began to realize that total devotion ISN’T the best thing for them.

That for my kids to feel a little boredom was actually a gift. It allowed their imaginations an opportunity to flourish.

Having quiet times created an opportunity for them to digest their world, be alone with their thoughts, and learn to be comfortable without an outside stimulus.

If I gave in to every sympathetic twinge when they became uncomfortable, I actually would be robbing them of a learning opportunity.

Aren’t these really greater gifts to give them than having a grouchy mom play that board game for the fourth time this week?

Seems so simple, but this concept was like a slow awakening to me.

I could accomplish 2 things at once: Giving my kids what I felt were the greatest gifts and life lessons I had to offer them, and taking some time to develop myself, using the greatest gifts and life lessons I had to offer ….myself.

Its clear to me that their fulfillment can parallel my own.

I am excited to show my kids how they can reach for their dreams as I reach for my own, and how to deal with the letdowns and obstacles that will surely be put in their paths. 

To put into action in my own life all the qualities I want for them to possess as well.

So when you start putting yourself last again, think about how you want them to describe you…strong, determined, thoughtful, considerate, loving.

Its not just about what you do for them, but the person you are for them.  

*originally written June 2015