I’m a Cryer Not a Quitter. How To Feel Your Fear, and Do It Anyway.

I’m scared. And anxious. And uncertain.

Which often surprises people, because I’m also fearless, and steady, and sure.

It’s an odd mix that often leaves me in a state of unbalance. Racing full speed ahead one minute, and then paralyzed with doubt and fear the next.

When I’ve talked to others, I find that there are a lot more people experiencing these same feelings than I would have thought, and it’s kind of sad to know that we all may be suffering in silence, right next to each other.

While, I am often anxious, there is also a part of me that continues to push through. I like to say, I’m a cryer, not a quitter

There are all kinds of fears. Real and imagined. I’m not talking about things like a fear of spiders, or heights. I’m talking about everyday fears, like being scared of being embarrassed, or being worried that someone won’t like you…the fear of failure, or that you won’t be good as good as someone else at something.

For me, it has come down to the thought of looking back on my life and regretting not trying because of perceived, or even real, judgements.

So, I have had to develop ways to not only help me crawl out of the dark moments of self doubt and fear, but skills to help me create action plans to keep inching closer to my goals, no matter how scared I actually felt on the inside

Here are some of my top tips for finding your way through those tough moments.

1)Accept the fear.

You are going to be scared sometimes. There is just no way to avoid it, so when it happens, don’t feel like there is something wrong with you, or that you are doing something wrong.

Find a way to reframe the fact that you are experiencing these feelings. Feelings are meant to inform you, and are actually important. Stuffing them down won’t make them go away. They will only resurface somewhere else, potentially stronger.

Try to identify what exactly you are afraid of. Break it down. Is it the actual task or the potential results? When you know what exactly you are dealing with its easier to create an action plan to address it.

Then, determine what helpful information you can take from your feelings. Don’t allow them to occupy your entire mind, but let them be a piece of your puzzle.

2) Let go of the idea of being perfect.

People don’t always share whats happening on the inside. All you see is the shiny picture they offer. And when you don’t feel shiny, you think something is just wrong with you.

Everyone has their issues. They might have money, but their trade off might be feelings of self worth.

Or they may be outgoing, but their trade off is the need to be liked.

The bottom line is we are all dealing with stuff, and you just have your own combination of issues. Don’t be so certain that you actually want that sparkly picture you are looking at, or that you would be happy trading your issues for theirs

3)Take your thoughts to the worst case scenario.

Often our fears are greater than the actual reality of the situation. What would be the worst thing that could happen?

What actually will happen? Take it all the way. If the absolute worst thing were to happen, then what?  If you can face that, and come up with a plan to deal with that that eventuality, your mind can let go of the constant circling back .

Once you have done this exercise then remember that, and when the feelings come up again, remind yourself,

‘Hey brain, I’ve actually already thought all of this through, and have come to some conclusions, so I don’t need to go through this process again.’

Then try to let go of the spiraling, knowing that you can trust yourself.

4)Add some perspective.

What would happen if you didn’t do the thing you were scared of. Would it be better, or worse?

Sometimes your fear stops you from doing something, only to rear up again later because not doing the thing you were scared of actually feels worse in the long run. 

Then it becomes a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance, depression, and now a new fear that you will never be able to face the first fear.

Plug these conclusions into the context of your greater life. Often the fear seems a lot less important when weighed against the finite amount of time we have to pursue our desires.

4)Look back on past fears.

Think back on times that you have felt scared, and faced it. You made it through didn’t you?

Recognize that your feelings will not last forever. Just like you got over them before, you will get over them again.

And while they may feel all encompassing right now, they too will be a thing of the past eventually.

There is a freedom that can come from realizing that you will not be held hostage by these feelings forever. You just need to ride them out.

5)Interrupt the Feelings.

Feel the feelings. Then take a break.

If you become so overcome with the feelings that you can’t see past them, remove yourself and force yourself to do something else.

Distract yourself for 15 minutes. Interrupt the flow. The problem isn’t going anywhere, so it won’t hurt to leave it for a moment.

Allow yourself or even make yourself take a mental break and get some space. Then come back when you are not so overwhelmed.

6)Practice positive self talk.

Imagine that you are a cup with a small hole in the bottom that is slowly letting drips of water escape. You fill yourself up and feel great, only to find that you are back to feeling those same familiar self defeating and paralyzing fears.

This is why you need to continually fill yourself up with positive thoughts. It’s not just a one and done practice. You need to keep adding to the cup to keep it full.

Try to lessen your interactions with those slurpers, who seem to pull from your well of joy, and find the people that are living lives that add inspiration, positivity and support.

You don’t owe people your strength. In fact, if you let it be taken away be ‘energy vampires’, you won’t have it to give to those you want to gift it to.