Who Picks Up Mom When SHE Falls Down?

‘Are you sleepy, or are you upset?’

Those were the first words my son spoke as I woke him for the day.

I thought I had pulled myself together. I had been upset yes, but I wasn’t about to miss one of the rapidly expiring wakeups with my youngest child.

I quickly regretted my choice, as my son’s words, and more importantly his feelings, cut to the quick, reforming the lump in my throat that I had unsuccessfully tried to swallow just moments before.

‘Mommy’s ok honey. I was upset, but I’m working it out.’

To be fair, after a year in a pandemic, we’re all probably a little unbalanced.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, feeling out of whack is nothing new for me.

I pretty much knew what I need to do.

Get away.

My husband gave me permission to ‘check out’ and to check in to a hotel for a night.

Because we have a Marriot Visa, we get points that earn us free hotel stays. So, I took one.

Grabbing a bag, I stuffed all my various folders and work papers into it, along with my significantly dense To-Do list, and headed out the door.

‘I could get a lot done uninterrupted’, I thought.

A trip to Whole Foods netted me entirely too much food for the stay, as I ended up subsisting entirely on tortilla chips and guacamole, some dark chocolate with cherries, and a giant Pelegrino.

It was about 3:00 when I got to the hotel. Tons of time. To do…I don’t know…everything?!

No surprise, I got a little overwhelmed, and wasn’t sure where to start first. So I just sat down on the bed.

First, I turned on the tv and bingewatched about 4 episodes of The Sinner, season 3, on Netflix.

Then I took a nice long shower.

After that, I got comfy in bed again, gathered some paper and wrote down a few questions.

First I started with the elephant in the room.

Why am I upset?

The answer for me was the same one that has come and gone for a long time.

Conflicted feelings and frustrations around my position in life. The feeling that I don’t want being a Stay at Home Mom to be my whole story.

That statement feels all at once shameful and embarassing, but also right to the point.

The problem for me is that in addition to that feeling, I also struggle with some unknown mindset challenges around my ability to do anything but be a Stay at Home Mom.

But there’s something inside me that keeps popping up, that creates crippling fear.

Some deep mindset challenges around my ability to do anything else.

And its getting kind of old.

I need to figure out what my blocks are, and work on those, because these unresolved issues are just going to keep disrupting my life, and potentially derail me from success, if I don’t.

So, I think I would benefit from some therapy.

Good.

Decision made.

What are my goals over the next 3 months?

Have you ever heard this quote…

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
Lao Tzu

Living in the future is definitely my default.

I plan so far ahead, that my mind is living in that future place and dealing with issues that haven’t even happened yet.

It makes for an unreliable, uncertain, unsteady place to exist.

All the things that trigger me.

And when things go off of my carefully created plan, I am completely thrown off because I only accounted for the one outcome I had crafted in my brain.

Sometimes I fall just a step or two. Sometimes I fall all the way to the bottom of the stairs.

I found this quote scribbled on a piece of paper as I was gathering up my stuff to go to the hotel.

It made stop and re-think my goals and my reasons for them. What was I trying to do and why? Getting clear is always the pathway forward for me.

In simplest terms, the things that were most weighing on me were:

1-Getting healthy

2- Growing my Websites and Social Media

3- Progressing on my Passion Project

The timeframe of 3 months was chosen specifically. Its long enough to be prepared, but not too far in the future that I’m getting myself in trouble again.

If I haven’t learned yet that supporting my mental health in these endeavors is paramount then…oh wait…

So in possibly one of the most important factors, I turned my attention to the inside work.

What makes me happy?

I was pretty simple and straightforward with my answers here. My big takeaways were:

Being with my Family

Being outside/Sunshine

Creating/Writing/Learning

What kind of daily routine would support me in pursuing my goals?

This is the part that I like. I love a schedule!

With minor variations during the week, here’s where I settled.

Wakeup

Coffee/Journal (20 minutes)

Wake up Kids

Guided/Solo Meditation (15 minutes)

Get Ready/Podcast (30 minutes)

Kids to School

Errands/Housework

Work Block #1 (2 hours)

Exercise

Lunch

Work Block #2 (2 hours)

Pick Up Kids

Family/House/’No work’ Time

Journaling

I added in the journaling because I felt like I need to do a better job of checking in with myself. What is important to me today? How am I feeling? Is there anything on my mind?

I know when I have too much swirling around in my brain, it makes me anxious, so this is a way for me to get it out, and catch something before I take a tumble.