Weird by Design

What’s up with me? Why am I compelled, yes compelled to do the things I do? I find myself asking this question a lot. Sometimes I’m confused by my own instincts. I think I would be described as a rather intense person. I have drive and determination, and a good work ethic. But its coupled with an intensely sensitive nature. It’s really not a great combination. Especially when you are going through stressful times…which is like always…Then add to that a rigid need for order, and a couple of kids. Lets just say, life gets sticky sometimes.

I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Those words ring with a special truth for me. They hold a weight that only comes with time and provides me with the physical evidence I need to accept something within me as a ‘fact’ of my personality. But why? Why am I so sensitive? I’m sure these qualities could be explained by medical conditions or propensities, but even then…the question still remains…why? Why did I develop this particular combination of traits?

I truly believe there is a greater plan at work. That this combination of traits is meaningful in some way. Whether or not I have figured it out yet. So I accept most situations I am in (though usually not gracefully) as the right situation for me. It has come to be this exact way so that I could learn this lesson or have just the experience that I needed, to help me flourish in the next phase of my life.

Now, when I say this, don’t think that I live on a fluffy cloud of happiness. I am usually trying to manage some exceptionally emotional, analytical, or childish reaction to life. And sometimes, some of that might leak out on my husband. I try to explain to him that there are a lot of other wonderful qualities that come with my annoying ones. But, as crappy and rough as a situation may be, I know that things are happening as they are supposed to.

Me finding trust in the future, doesn’t mean that I think things are already all mapped out. I think opportunities are only offered in life. It’s up to me whether I bring my best to the table and seize those opportunities. I could also choose not to take life up on its offers. Totally up to me. Luckily I have faith in myself and know that I’m usually gonna go for what I want.

Right now, I feel like a puzzle whose pieces are slowly forming a picture. It looks like something, but I’m still not exactly sure what its going to be when it is done. My curiosity however is piqued.  I’m sure I will continue to wonder what my determined, orderly, extremely sensitive nature will produce. But I think that’s kind of the the point. To keep looking.