Keeping My Balance

The more I am honest about my own issues with anxiety, the more people share with me that it is also theirs.

I actually don’t think that most people who know me would even know that I suffer from anxiety.

I am fairly outgoing and can chat with anyone I meet. I’m involved in my children’s social and educational lives.

I have big ideas that I’m not afraid of sharing; I don’t shy away from confrontations; and I have a very strong work ethic, pitching in whenever I can.

But I think what is different about my efforts, is the amount of energy it takes for me to run at that level. And in some cruel twist of fate, I am a person that is DRIVEN to run at an intense level.

So I have to take breaks. I need alone time. And that is probably why you won’t see me on the grown up social circuit very often.

For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. People would say, you’ve just got to get out there… Make some friends!

Making friends is easy, but I’ve found that maintaining friendships is hard for me.  They’ve always just taken too much work.

You have to call friends back regularly, go out and do stuff together, keep in touch on a regular basis…

I already know that most people DON’T relate to what I’ve just said.

I know this because my husband, the person closest to me in the world besides my mother, still keeps trying to get me to go out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very friendly, and I actually love talking to people. I want to know the deep down stuff though. I am the worst at polite conversation. Somehow I feel so disingenuous. Thats why I like to find people who look as uncomfortable as I am and just stick with them, then find out everything.

It takes a special person to be my close friend. I am not nurturing of friendships, I hate talking on the phone (have I mentioned that), I’m absent for long stretches of time, and don’t like staying up late, or going out very often.

I know….fun right?!

So my closest friends end up being people I’ve known for a long time. Who have seen me run through many, what I call, ‘Cycles’. When I’m in an Up place…Down …Sideways….and back up again.

The people who get that me not calling them is not because I don’t care, but because I have an aversion to using the phone and I assume that they will forgive me and still love me when I finally do call because they are my friend and accept me for me.

Not everyone can do that. They just don’t get it.

They love doing stuff with their friends. Its part of what makes their lives feel full and rich. And that’s awesome. Just don’t hold it against me when I turn into a hermit.

I do occasionally like to go out.

Of course by that time, everyone just assumes I don’t want to, so I’m usually not on the ‘regulars’ list. But every once in a while, I will bust out the makeup and heels and put in a full effort.

And I must say, this habit of regular minimal effort, really helps you make an impact when you actually do get it together! People are so impressed!

But honestly, my husband, the kid’s extra curricular commitments, activities in pursuit of my personal interests, and quality time spent with my few friends, keeps me quite busy and very happy.

I love to be On, but I know that I just have to shut it Off more often than some people.

In fact, I will start to get grouchi-er if I go out too much!

Its like a child who needs a nap. You can make them keep going, but you better believe they WILL start falling apart soon!

Along with what I categorize as my ‘Extroverted Introvert‘ nature I also have some interesting social anxieties. Things that seem totally ridiculous, even to me.

Like this one time I absolutely refused to make a phone call to the hotels room service , because I was paralyzed by the idea of having to interact with the person on the other line.

I tried to give myself a pep talk…point out the obvious. ‘This person doesn’t even know me. He doesn’t know what I look like, and I will probably never run into to him ever again in my life.’

Logically I can explain why its silly, but that does not take away the fear.

That is totally real. Irrational, but real.

Of course I can do anything if I need to. I’ve learned over the years how to navigate most situations successfully. But if I can avoid it, I do.  My husband made the phone call for me that night.

I admit, its not the only instance of my husband doing something completely mundane, that I decided was too much for me at that moment in time.

Yes, I know I am an intelligent, and capable person. Its not my self esteem that is suffering here. Because I am a grown up, I deal with my emotions when they arise, and I am constantly working on minimizing them and working through them.

But honestly…sometimes I just give in to the irrational feelings and make my husband do things for me, or just avoid the situation altogether

So maybe not everyone panics about having to interact with the luggage handler, or the cashier, but there must be some other people out there doing the same thing right?

Or maybe it IS just me.

It doesn’t really matter. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to accept some truths about myself and work with them, instead of against them.

I am who I am.

It was like realizing that my best friend could eat 3 donuts and not gain an ounce, but if I ate 1, I was going to pay for it. Is it fair? No. But its true. No sense getting myself all worked up about it.

I don’t know about you, but I love a person even more when I find out that they don’t have the perfect, easy, life I assumed they did.  It makes them more real, more relatable, more accessible.

And it makes me feel more normal, and more hopeful of my own potential.

So I’m happy to start, and share some of my imperfections. Pass it on.