The Trouble with Being a Stay at Home Parent

I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I think the idea of it spun into a fairytale in my head.

Spending lazy days with my beautiful children, creating a warm and relaxing home for my family, cooking and baking delicious treats in the kitchen and doing clever crafts with the kids.

It all sounded like something that I’d love. And that I’d be pretty good at too.

But the reality of being a stay at home mom involved a lot more long hours, gross chores and menial tasks than I was prepared for.

Its a good thing I love all these people!

While a lot of the fairytale stuff does happen, I sometimes get bogged down in the stuff I really don’t want to be doing.

When we first moved back to California, I found myself focusing in on those parts. When I’m feeling unsettled, I always turn to writing to help my mind organize things. I wrote this during that time.

I’ve been having a hard time. I’m really anxious and I think I’m a little depressed too. Its hard because everything in my life is so wonderful. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Because of all of this, I’m on a mission to ‘find my happy’. For myself, and for my family.

I was driving in the car going from one grocery store to another (because they only carry my husbands seltzer water at the other grocery store) and I thought to myself…’I think I’m bored. I’ve always been a high achieving person who loves to create and accomplish. I’m also someone who craves validation, which I thought was my biggest problem, but I’m not so sure now. I think I feel a little trapped’.

I am a stay at home mom to my 2 perfect children, who are 6 and 8. When I think about the most important things in my life, they rank up at the top along with my husband and family.Because of this, I deeply want to be there for them throughout their childhood… which for me, means I need to be a stay at home mom.

But the grocery shopping, laundry, making beds, breakfasts, lunches and dinners, plus the multitude of endless errands that make up being a stay at home are NOT what I want to be doing with my time. Hence the dilemma.

When I stopped working I had no idea the kind of mental trauma it would cause me. The identity crisis it would initiate, or the confidence it would drain from my formerly capable attitude.

I was no longer doing anything quantifiably ‘important’. Yes, I know… ‘Raising children is one of the most important jobs a person can do!’ But as everyone knows moms, and especially stay at home moms, are often undervalued. ‘What is it you do all day?’, people ask. ‘Well, I’m not sure I actually want to tell you, because even I find it completely boring!!’ (I’m exaggerating a little…).

And I’m also not contributing any money to the household, which makes me feel like all I’m doing is draining the supplies. Just to seal my melancholy attitude, my husband couldn’t be more supportive of me, telling me that I am important to the family and that he appreciates me and everything I do. Of course then I feel ungrateful. ‘Do you know how many people would love to be able to stay home?’ And there’s the rub.

I DO want to stay at home, or rather, I want to be available to be there for everyone, I just need something more.

I have interests. I am smart. I am dedicated and responsible and driven. I truly believe this. So why do I feel like such a loser all the time?

I think I’m actually a little bit embarrassed. I know I am so much more capable than I am being, and I’m not only conscious of what other people might be thinking about me, but I’m also scared that I will never feel like I got to use my talents. That I will always be that doormat mom who doesn’t have any real power and who is subjected to doing the bidding of everyone else.

Being the taskmaster of the children, being a willing ear to listen to the musings of my husbands much more interesting work, and trying to be attractive, so that when I do interact with the ‘interesting’ folk, they at least have something positive to say about me.

I know there are some women, and men, who absolutely adore staying home and are fine with, or even enjoy, all the tasks that come along with it. But there’s something inside of me that is restless.

I think part of it is impatience. I feel like my time is coming. I really do. I went to school to help give me some credibility in what I feel is my true calling in life. And I continue to chip away at my personal goals. But I also don’t feel like I can work on anything fully because my kids are little and need me.

I can’t get this time with them back, and I know that I would regret it forever. So here I am again. I need to be a stay at home mom.

I actually don’t think I want to go back to a traditional job. Which leaves me questioning, what it is I do want to do? (and feeling like a leech again).

If only I knew that in 5 years I was going to be in a place where I felt free to pursue other interests, maybe I could calm down a little bit and just enjoy the peace and beauty of this time in my life. But there is no crystal ball that I know of, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. I recognize that I have to be happy with what I have at this moment.

So for now, I’m going to try to keep doing what ‘feels’ right to me. Writing, cooking, volunteering, and of course, being a stay at home mom. I am not ‘cool’ with everything right now yet, but that’s ok. I’m working towards that goal and hopefully I will be there soon.

In the meanwhile…life is pretty good.