What If It Just Doesn’t Work Out…?

I woke up the other morning with a ball of anxiety in my pit of my stomach.

As the day went on, my back started hurting.

When my husband asked me if I could pull up a document on the computer, I became waaaaay too frustrated, and then fully broke down in tears, frantically organizing a stack of papers that had been sitting there for months. 

Throughout the day, my back continued to get worse. By the time it was the evening, I couldn’t bend over and I had trouble doing pretty much any movement.

Sleeping that night was equally torturous. As every move I made sent a shockwave of pain throughout my body.

But in the morning, something started to come into focus for me. 

The anxious waking up… the mystery back pains…the breakout of eczema on my face…

What I was feeling on the inside, was manifesting itself on the outside.

But why? What was going on?

The answer came to me quickly.

Fear.

I am, and have always been, afraid of failure.

As I continue to work on creating a product, I have gone through all kinds of ups and downs, stops and starts, who’s and WHAT’s?!!

I’ve been navigating through completely unchartered territory…all the while fielding the questions of ‘When can I buy something Natalie?!’

It’s always been a far-off date, and usually too hard to explain why. 

Maybe its because I’m starting from scratch, maybe its because of a lack of foundational knowledge, maybe its because it just takes this long, maybe its because of a hundred other things.

You kinda gotta get over that one. Your journey is your journey. 

But as the goal date to launch my Kickstarter campaign and my product approaches, this new element has crept in. Terror.

What will it mean if I don’t reach my goal?

I’ll be SO embarrassed!

I guess it will confirm that I just don’t have what it takes.

I don’t want to disappoint people. I’m scared that I won’t live up to the expectations they have for me.

What about all this time and money I’ve spent?

Am I just wasting my time?

If this doesn’t work, what IS my purpose?

On repeat.

And shuffle.

I had to interrupt this negative self talk before I crumbled into a ball of complete inaction.

For me, the most helpful thing I can do when I’m in this place is to get clear about what I’m doing and why.

I went back to some of my early notes.

In one of my many online classes on starting a business, I had filled out a questionnaire that was about How to Create a Business Around the Life You Want.

This worksheet included an element that resonated with me. The idea of creating something with the priority that it would complement and enhance my life. 

It asked me to think about the life I wanted, and to list my priorities in order of importance.

Family Security Personal Success Contributing to Society Happiness

First of all…I find it interesting that I put happiness at the bottom! I’m gonna have to dig into that more another time!

But…

Family, security … contributing to society.

Those definitely align with the life I want to lead. And thats good, which makes me a little nervous.

I DON’T want my family life…my sense of security…or my ability to contribute to society…to be disrupted by my desire to gain personal success. 

So the question becomes…

Am I gonna mess everything up in this selfish pursuit, when it would be better for everyone if I just did the mom thing?

It’s almost a cliche …I don’t want for MY desires to disrupt everyone else’s happiness.

Whatever vehicle I create for success, has to work with the life I have and the good things I have going. 

The problem with embarking on a new venture, is the reality that it might fail. 

So what do you do with that?

You don’t want to go into something thinking that you are going to fail, but maaaaan…that’s whats in my head, and I stuffed that fear down, and it came out in some sort of crazy back sprain and splotches on my face!!

What I think is that you have to work hard with intention and clarity, then be open to the possibility that the destination you end up at, may not be the place you initially set out for. 

Maybe the story that unfolds is 1000 times better than the one you had written.

Some of the most amazing magical things in my life I could have never predicted. And they came from me following a passion within me.

My decision after college to work at Entertainment Tonight for $8.00 an hour, rather than the science lab for $60,000 a year, was not the most lucrative choice, but I felt a draw, so I went for it. 

And while I discovered television was NOT my thing…meeting my husband on the job was worth that entire detour. 

And I would have missed it, if I didn’t take a chance on that wild journey that was calling me.

Part of trusting the path, even though you don’t see where you are going, is allowing yourself to NOT get it right the first time.

Allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them.

And allowing your life adventure to take you where it takes you.

My goal every day is to resist the rigid structure of what I think SUCCESS looks like and be open to the image that unfolds.

As Dory says…Just keep swimming.