Really….Still?

I’m usually not doing anything special. Most of the time, its something banal like sitting at a stoplight, putting away the laundry, or loading the dishwasher… when my mind shuffles back to IT and I physically cringe. ‘Why did I say that! What a weirdo!’ For weeks I will replay said deficient moment, experiencing a fresh flash of humiliation each time.

It’s a thing I do.

I can obsess over some lame reply, awkward interaction, missed opportunity or failed attempt for years. I’ll be in the middle of grocery shopping when my mind hits upon something embarrassing I did or said when I was in my 20’s and I am immediately experiencing the moment as if it had just happened.

I don’t want to come off as overly dramatic. Its not a constant state for me. As adults, we have all usually learned at least some ways of dealing with our ‘particularities’, and so I have also learned to move my attention away from those kinds of negative and obsessive thoughts… Ok, so maybe I obsess for a couple of days… But then, I’m actively trying to ‘let go’ of the most-likely insignificant moment that I can’t seem to let go of.

That’s the problem. Logically I can totally debunk my feelings. It just doesn’t make them go away.

I tell myself, ‘They probably didn’t even notice what a dork you were! Really Natalie, they have a life. Why do you think people are would be so concerned with YOU that they would even care about examining your interactions with such detail.’ ‘But then….why am I?’ I counter myself. ‘If I am going over things so closely, I can’t be the only one…’

I can have these back and forth conversations with myself for a long time. They are good and bad. I’m an awesome friend in that I always listen and offer multiple viewpoints, never pandering to myself. But on the other hand, I can be very critical and demanding. And sometimes all the conflicting thoughts just become confusing.

As odd as I find it, this negative habit actually comes into focus when things are going well for me.

Because it still happens.

I still do something , or say something that makes me cringe on a regular basis. One would think that during a time when I was experiencing a success, that it would serve to soothe my insecurities and bolster my self-esteem. And while those things do happen, I am not free from the potential of feeling foolish at any given moment.

This time my ‘going well’ is the opening of the School Garden Program that I’ve been working on for over a year.

I’m so proud to be a part of this project. I’ve written about how inspiring the process of planning and building the garden was, and the experience has only continued with the artist our PTA chose and the mural she created to complete the space. The results have been more than I could have ever dreamed.

The best part is, I feel like we are just getting started, and there is so much joy to be had right around the corner!

This contradiction actually highlights for me, the illogical nature of my thoughts. I am also reminded that, although I am well into adulthood, these same thoughts still interrupt my life on a regular basis. Its super frustrating. I imagine this is just the sort of struggle that forces people to find silver linings. And I actually have found some.

Having this…issue… forces me to practice relaxation and mindfulness techniques. I am forced to slow down and shift my focus to the positive things in life, to make a concerted effort to choose where I place my energy.  It makes me confront my fears regularly, and it leads me to seek opportunities to practice and remind myself of my abilities.

Having this issue has taught me that you actually CAN keep going even if you are mortified to your core. You CAN still get back up and take the next steps even if inside you are so embarrassed you just want to crawl into a corner. It has proven to me that life does go on, and with time, somebody else will do something that takes the attention off of you and your embarrassing thing will be old news.

I still find it draining, and annoying, and ridiculous, but I guess as a parent, its handy to be able to speak with conviction about the ability to push through when something embarrassing happens. Because I totally get it. I’m there to help my kids work through it. And knowing me, I will probably be working through something right alongside them.