Sensitivity is My Superpower

I’m one of those incredibly sensitive people. As an adult I have cursed this trait in me.

The quality that makes me take things too personally.

The quality that makes me cry too often.

The quality that makes me too aware of my differences.

The quality that makes me certain people don’t really like me.

As a child, my overly sensitive nature lead to me being very anxious.

Tummy aches were a major theme. In adolescence my feelings of being ‘not the same’ intensified.

Of course, adolescence is the usual time for angst and self- discovery, so I guess in that way it was pretty normal.

I participated in all the things that would make me part of the ‘In’ crowd in HighSchool.

I was on the dance squad, I was Captain of our NJROTC Color Guard. (It was cool I tell you!) I was Homecoming Queen and even Valedictorian.

But none of that made me feel like I was genuinely a part of things. 

In college, a quickly attained boyfriend kept me from having to connect with too many new people, and after I graduated from college, I had a period of accomplishment which distracted me for a moment.

I was still overwhelmed and stressed, and felt like I was barely holding on, but I was ticking all the boxes…

Building a career, making new friendships, and ‘succeeding’.

But after I left work to be a Stay at Home mom, things went little sideways.

Now that I wasn’t working, what was my value? 

Why would anyone want to hang out with me when I have nothing going on?!

What about me is even interesting?!

Do my former colleagues care about me or even remember me?!

Facebook was actually the first step I took towards reconnecting to the world outside of my immediate neighborhood. Connecting again made me feel 2 things:

Happiness that my friends DID remember me…

Then an immediate and almost crushing insecurity that I had nothing to offer besides the latest pictures of the kids.

I looked inside of me, outside of me, talked to other moms I knew.

One thing I found was that when things were the worst, it was usually accompanied by the fact that I was focusing on myself too much.

My concerns, my feelings of inadequacy, my disappointments.

So I decided to try look outside of myself more.

After we moved back to California, I got involved in the PTA at the kids’ new school, volunteering in their classrooms and in the library. And wouldn’t you know it,  my old self-doubt came creeping back in.

I was sure the librarian was going to like the other mom better than me. I was boring, and weird, and awkward, and not very fun or funny.

I could shelve the books like a super star, so I stuck to that. That was my lane. The hard worker.

That’s why people liked me right? Because I work hard. I’m not the one people pick to be part of the friend group, but I’m always the one picked for the group project, or when a  job needs to get done.

It was starting to feel debilitating. This curse of sensitivity was literally stealing the joy from the little moments in my life.

I questioned myself, and tried to look at things from a different perspective…

‘Yes, I am sensitive, but why have I defined it as a curse? Is there anything that comes as a direct result of my sensitivity that I find to be a blessing?’

Well…yeah…

I am sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions, which makes me try to be more compassionate and kind.

I am sensitive to the treatment of animals, which led to one of my greatest joys…volunteering at my local animal shelter.

Because I am so sensitive about feeling different, I seek the ‘others’ in the room and connect with them so they don’t feel what I feel.

Because I am so sensitive, I feel, or imagine I feel, collective pain, and am motivated to find ways to make a difference in the life of individuals and communities.

Because I am so sensitive, I am mindful of my output and try to bring a positive energy to each situation.

Because I am so sensitive, I often fall into dark moments, which require me to seek new ways of rising out of it, and allows me to share what I find with others.

Because I am so sensitive, I think deeply about things other people may not, and in doing so add another element to the world that is valuable.

So, if we all have superpowers, I guess mine is being sensitive.

It took me 40 years to figure out how blessed I am to have a meaningful motivating force that stems from my heart.

And I am so grateful to be able to model for my daughter and son how tender hearts can be sources of strength, not weakness.

But the greatest gift of my sensitivity has to be my continued efforts, based in absolute need to seek out solutions to bring more peace, joy and fulfillment to my life.

I now know that my Sensitivity is the motivating force behind so many of my meaningful actions.

I now know that my  Sensitivity has inspired amazing things in my life.

I now know that my Sensitivity allows me to connect to people that are different from me.

I now know that the world needs Superheroes that take on the big injustices, but it also needs my kind of quiet consistent, maybe less exciting, superpowers too.