I’m Terrified!! Why I Keep Doing Things I’m Afraid of, and Why I get a Secret Thrill Out of it!

I can’t tell you how many times I wake up with my stomach in knots, anxious about the day ahead of me, and feeling genuinely uncertain as to whether I can handle what it has in store.

It’s a pretty common occurrence actually, and always has been.

Dealing with anxiety throughout my life, means that I’m used to the fact that anything and absolutely nothing can be a source of stress for me. (link to old post)

What I have come to learn is not to trust that feeling. Because its not attached to anything real. 

It’s a chemical in my brain… it’s an unconscious response…it’s a subliminal suggestion…whatever.

I can’t be concerned with the reason.

Bottom line…It’s NOT to be trusted.

Of course, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less real when those feelings of insecurity consume me.

And they do.

The other night, I couldn’t figure out some technical element of the web task I was trying to do.

A cold wave swept over me, and an overwhelming feeling of panic started to build…

’Maybe I just can’t do this…maybe this is just not going to work out for me…maybe its something about me that just won’t get it.

Let me back up a bit.

I’ve been working on creating a product and building a brand, for the past year and a half.

Because I didn’t know what I was doing, I enrolled in an online program called Factory 45, which helps beginning designers create and launch Sustainable brands.

A ‘bumble-about’ approach had been what got me where I was previously. And to be honest, it got me pretty far.

But as things keep going, you have to figure out more and more stuff, and suddenly you are not sure if you did the first stuff quite right, but its too late to go back, and can you really fix it now, or is there something else you should be doing, man it seems like everyone else is doing better than you, why am I even trying this, what made you think you could do this?!

I’m scared of all the things you could be scared of …Looking silly, failing in front of my friends and family, potential financial implications, the loss of a dream…

Walking down this path is absolutely terrifying. So why do I keep putting myself in these places?

I had to think about that one for a minute…

The answer is, because deep down, I really DO think I’m capable of doing it. 

But even more than that, I think the burden of living with the knowledge that I didn’t give it a shot would be more than I would want to bear.

Yeah things are embarrassing sometimes, yeah I didn’t get some things I really wanted, yeah I’ve been disappointed and heartbroken before. 

But I’ve also had times of exhilaration, pride, love. And I wouldn’t have had many of them, if I had not persevered through uncomfortable times. 

You know that saying, ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before’

That.

And, to be honest, the ‘I’ll show them!’ chip on my shoulder gives me a little thrill every time I accomplish something.

I’m not sure who I’m ‘sticking it to’ anymore, but hey…whatever motivates you right?

So, did I ever figured out that technical problem I was having that sent me into an existential crisis?

Of course! 

That’s the thing with most crises…they aren’t really. They are just you being overwhelmed when you met that moment. 

Again… I know that knowledge won’t stop the next existential crises, which will most certainly come again.

But at least its happened enough times for me to know that I’ve gotta just ride it out and my badass self will be back soon enough.