Content or Complacent

Honestly…I don’t know how other SAHParents do it.

I’m not talking about the actual, literal, nuts and bolts of the job. 

I can physically wake my kids up, make food, wash and fold laundry, buy groceries, keep them on a schedule, and provide emotional support and guidance. 

But there is a part of being a SAHParent that I just can’t let go of. 

I hate the idea that my husband and his schedule will always take priority because he is the one making the money.

I love my family, I love my life, and I know that I was pivotal in making sure that my husband had the ability to build his career to provide the money necessary to create it.

But it still feels like they are HIS accomplishments.

Yes, I worked peripherally, but I wasn’t the ONE. And I can’t get over it. 

The words of strong women that came before me echoes in my mind…Make your own money…make sure you can provide for yourself…Never give your power away.

Its hard to reconcile this because on the one hand it feels like if I take this to heart, then I am assuming things will go badly in my marriage and I will need to be able to pick up the pieces.

But I don’t feel that way. I have a wonderful marriage, and I trust the relationship I’m in.

Yet, I still feel what I feel. Like a child at the mercy of the grown-up’s world.

There is only so much time I can take towards building something, because the home realm is MY responsibility. And I want to do a great job, no matter what job I’m doing. 

So it creates a serious conflict. 

Because I’ve been so involved in my kids’ daily and school lives, I’m fully aware that there ARE SAHParents that are completely content and fulfilled by their role. Which only contrasts that much more starkly against my own backdrop of inner conflict.

They focus on the kids and their extra-curricular activities, they hang out with friends, go on group family trips, and take pride in the job they are doing as mothers and homemakers. 

And they should.

No one but a parent that has stayed home with the kids for any amount of time can understand the LARGENESS of the job. Its morning till night, and often the in-between hours.

It’s a thousand big and little things. 

It’s a requirement that you, quite often, need to set aside your needs or desires for the children, your husband, or the greater good of the household. 

When there’s a question of who is going to handle something, it often falls to the stay at home parent. Because we’re home, we ‘have the time’ and it only makes sense. 

And oftentimes, it does. 

But that doesn’t mean I like it. 

It makes me feel like the low man on the totem pole. Cornered and stuck. 

Am I ungrateful for wanting more? Am I reaching to high? Are my dreams too big? Should I just be content with what I have?

It feels like complacency to me. Like I’m telling a little part of me to be quiet and sit down and just be thankful for what I have. 

Ok great, saying those words just got me all riled up!

But I DO want to find a place where both things can exist.

I can be content with, and thankful for my life AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME and STILL strive for more. 

I think I need a 2-pronged attack here. 

Adjusting my mindset…and committing to honor myself by pursuing the things that are important to me with a sense of JOY instead of FEAR.

I can already tell you that is going to be a challenge. Its like I’m hard wired with fear!

I mean it took me 44 years to get to where I’m at and I’ve got so far to go! But that’s just it. Its going to take as long as its going to take. Infuriating as it is.

So recognizing a need for a new mindset is another step in the right direction.

Being in a place where I see the possibility of happy medium is a new reality for me. 

And I’m ready for the challenge.