1-Replay awkward, embarrassing or cringe-worthy moments, reliving every stomach churn, hot flash, and lump in the throat.

About 10 years ago, when I was still living in New York, I found this amazing wonderland for people with curly hair. Devachan Salon. Here, they love curls. They encourage curls. They categorize curls. I finally felt at home.

Enter fancy event.

I decided to do my hair straight for said event. So I called the salon and asked if they offered that service. When the voice on the line said ‘Yes’, I made an appointment. It was only as the stylist had finished washing my hair, and began to blow dry my corkscrew curls straight, that I realized what a horrible mistake I’d just made. The energy rising off of everyone around me seemed palpable.

I was committing a SIN. Here in front of every, curl-loving, customer.

The damage I was doing to my curls by blow-drying, and ironing them straight, was against everything this place stood for. We were supposed to embrace our curls not kill them! She took a painfully long time with the task….probably because they did curly hair there! And I was aware of every… mortifying… moment.

Remembering that experience can still make my stomach drop. You know what I’m talking about. You did something embarrassing. Your voice cracked. You tripped. Maybe you tried to join a group and were ignored, or even caught people giving each other knowing glances.

Now you are obsessing over it. ‘What an idiot…I am such a spazz!’ You beat yourself up for not being more socially adept, or worse, take it as proof that you don’t belong. They are uncomfortable and often demoralizing moments. Yet I find myself inflicting the pain of remembering every awful moment, in painfully clear detail, over and over and over again. And I replay these moments for YEARS…So WHY do I keep torturing myself!?

 

A winding journey on the interwebs tells me that my mind keeps bringing up my past social mistakes and embarrassing moments because it wants me to figure out how to avoid making those same mistakes.Well it worked. Because I avoid attending social situations all-together! So what do I do about that!?

Apparently, the answer is not to suppress or push the memory down, but to redirect what you focus on within the memory. Instead of focusing on the worst moments in the memory, and endlessly torturing yourself… like I’ve been doing…think about the other details. Was it a wonderful place, were you with wonderful people, was it a beautiful day? So, each time you re-tell the story to yourself, it becomes less attached to the icky feelings and gradually becomes associated with the happier details.

Basically.

Alright. Doable action. I’m on it.

 

 

2- Annoy people on purpose.

Ok. This sounds bad. But I think I need to break it down into subcategories of ‘Intentional Harrassment’, and ‘Natural Irritant’.

Because, I do have to say, sometimes I find it highly amusing to bug someone on purpose. This behavior, I admit, would definitely fall under the category of Intentional harrassment. If I think someone is being ridiculous about something or getting way too angry about something, or if I’m just in one of those moods… Its possible I may intentionally push a button or two. Just to see what happens.

If you know me and are thinking, ‘I’ve never seen you do that Natalie!’ Its because I’m a grown up and know how to control myself. Most of the time.

In the category of Natural Irritant, is a habit I admit to possessing, commonly referred to as being… a Know-It-All.

I say this one is not on purpose because it is a part of my natural being! I’ve always had this instinct, or drive, to correct people. As a child, it was usually something small, like correcting grammar or the pronunciation or spelling of a word, which in and of itself, we all know, is of particular annoyance.  And as a young child, I was unashamedly bothersome. (Don’t try to dispute this mom)

As a young adult, I tried to reign it in because…friends. But why did I do it? Why DO I, even now, feel a physical desire to correct people? I’m not sure. Maybe its still this need to prove myself? I’m sure friends could offer me theories. Though I’ve habit-ed it down a lot through adult-y efforts, I know when I’m around people who will let me be the brat I want to be, and those who will think I’m a know-it-all.

Which, deep down inside, I am.

3- Complain about how fat I feel, and then eat 5 cookies, followed by a mini pie anyway.

This one is currently happening to me now. I am fully aware that my arms are getting ‘that look’, and my pants have sprouted a muffin.

Yet I am 100% grabbing a cookie (or two) for after lunch, and then some ice cream for after dinner. And some chocolate peanut butter cups for after the ice cream. And some potato chips for after the peanut butter cups.

One interesting part about keeping a blog is that I get to look back at me complaining about the same things year after year. But I also get to see that they do get resolved.

Its kind of a a comfort to have historical evidence that I am going to be able to adjust my physique if I put forth the effort.

So with all my other freak-out tendencies, I’m happy to let myself get a little chub once in a while. At this moment in my life, that one isn’t stressing me out that much. In fact, I think its kind of fun sometimes.

There is something about the softness of a woman. We’re cozy, comfy, warm, and safe.

Plus we’re just heading into winter, so bring on the long sleeves!!

4- Monopolize a conversation with One Upping and ’Well I-ing’

Now this is something I consider a bad habit of mine. Here’s why I think I do this…

In my attempt to connect with someone, I share my similar experiences. When I sense a person is feeling uncomfortable in a social setting, I seek to put them at ease by opening up with them and sharing a personal anecdote. In an effort not to have silence and thus be deemed a failure as a conversationalist, I share a story about myself. When I connect with someone, I will sometimes vomit out too many of my personal experiences, hoping we connect on even more things.

I think its basically my nervous default to just. keep. talking.

And because I have so many occasions where I use this coping mechanism of sharing something about myself, you end up with a lot of instances of me babbling about me in a conversation. I hope that I am over exaggerating as I create narratives in my mind that people come away from me finding me to be self obsessed, and unable to connect in a natural way. But I do try to be aware of it.

An online search brought up a lot of reasons for why people do this. I don’t think most of them applied to me. I don’t interrupt or argue on purpose, I don’t minimize or dismiss people’s experiences, I’m not narcissistic. But I did stumble upon a sentence that made me pause.

 You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered. . . . Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.’

Do I do this? Is it another way I try to prove myself…? The article also brought up another tendency that I, and I think a lot of other people would probably relate to…Misguided Compassion. ‘ Unlike those who don’t care, people who do care may try to “help” others feel better so they skip over the validation part, thereby discounting or invalidating feelings, and go straight to offering solutions or words of consolation.’

And I know my words of consolation involve relating to them through shared experiences. Hmm. I guess I’m concluding that its a fine line. But I think if I check in with the intention behind why I’m sharing the story, it will help me decide if its truly serving a purpose or not.

Moving on.

5- Employ drastic efforts to avoid talking to people.

Ok, so if you know me, I have to apologize for this. Really, its ME not you!! This is one reason I don’t have many close friends, I put up barriers. And I long ago accepted that I can’t expect to have close friends if I don’t make efforts to be a part of their worlds.

In HighSchool I really didn’t want to participate either (that’s me with the bangs) , but the FOMO usually got the better of me and I’d end up going, only to end up counting the minutes till I could go home. Conversely, if I decided to stay home, I would just feel anxious and like a super loser for ‘chickening out’.

Fun times.

I actually like talking and connecting to people, but only in certain situations. I don’t really enjoy the polite chit chat, and I definitely do better one on one. There is also a time limit. I can only hang with you for so long. That applies to really anyone. Family included.

So if you thought you saw me ducking out, or slinking by with my head down, you probably did. Do I find it ridiculous that so much has to be ‘in place’ for me to feel free? Yes. Do I think about how silly I’m being when I avoid people, or get stressed about interacting with people? Yes.

But here’s the thing…I know I’m a work in progress, so I don’t expect perfection from myself all at once. #WorkingOnIt. Honestly, this whole questioning of myself was enlightening.  So when I think about how I just can’t seem to beat some tendency I’m not pleased with in myself, I have learned from the interwebs, that I should look from another perspective. I haven’t been failing to beat these things, I’ve just been busy WINNING at  other stuff!

Go me!