Am I Sabotaging My Kids’ Futures?

Have you heard the saying ‘Let them be kids? At first it seemed fairly straightforward, but I’m not so sure anymore.

I mean… How far am I supposed to take this concept?

Am I supposed to remove all obstacles that would require my kids to feel uncomfortable, or upset? How long do I keep this going? What ages are they considered a ‘kid’, and at what point do I start letting them fall?

Another confusing one is ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’…. Am I supposed to SPARE the rod and INSTEAD spoil the child?  Or… IF I spare the rod,  I WILL spoil the child?

Not sure.

One I’m sure everyone has heard is ‘This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.’

Now that one I totally get.

I find myself jumping through hoops and trying to manipulate life so that my kids don’t have to feel the sting of one or another of childhood’s challenges. Usually, its more about me not being able to take the hurt of seeing them hurt.

The scenarios are endless. Someone has forgotten their homework and is breaking down in the car. They didn’t get the part in the play they wanted and are heartbroken. My child wasn’t invited to the birthday that all the cool kids got invited to. They were put in a class that had NONE of their friends, and their school year is ruined.

Do I intervene? Do I dash home and get the homework so they are not penalized? Do I call the parents of the birthday kid and ask them to please invite my child too? Do I do everything in my mommy power to make all the big bad problems go away?

I have.

I have, in a frantic effort to soothe my child’s tears, emailed the teacher about an assignment they were upset about. I have torn into the school office with fire in my eyes because an administrative decision was not what my child wanted it to be.  I have furiously searched the internet to the find an obscure item that they just had to find. I’ve gone home and returned to school to drop off forgotten backpacks, sweaters, books, and water bottles.

But I started thinking…Am I really helping?

What am I preparing my children to believe about the world they are living in?

And more importantly, am I preparing them for the world that they will find waiting for them when they become adults.

Basically does ‘fixing’ every little thing really help them, or am I actually preventing them from learning lessons that would help them progress in life? I’m thinking I might be giving them the wrong impression about a few things.

They might be learning that someone will always be there to remove any discomfort they have. They might be learning that yes, they were correct in feeling ‘wronged’ and deserve for the situation to be remedied in their favor. They might be learning that somehow, things just always work out for them.

What happens when my child leaves the carefully crafted world that have I created for them. What happens when something doesn’t go according to plan, or the way they wanted? Have I equipped them with the emotional and intellectual knowledge to deal with all of the disappointments and obstacles that life will present?

I want them to be able to navigate relationships with friends, and colleagues. I want them to be happy, fulfilled, confident, and self sufficient.I want them to know that they can handle any situation that presents itself. I want them to know that its ok to fall apart or not succeed at something.

But I also want them to feel confident they can come back from any struggle, and that the power to do so is within them.

So does that mean I’m going to make my kids fend for themselves because I want them to toughen up? Absolutely not. I will always ferociously defend their needs when  necessary. I’m just realizing that the situation may not always call for that. Honestly I find it harder to see their tears and frustrations and not intervene, rather than just swooping in and fixing things.

What I am doing is making a conscious effort NOT to solve every problem for them. Because it doesn’t solve any problem. It just defers the issues to another time when I am not at the helm of the ship.When their problems are not kid sized anymore, and can affect their lives in more adult-sized ways.

I’m trying to make myself more aware of where the falling actually helps them.

The goal is to raise successful people. And by successful, I mean able to navigate life in a way that helps them achieve what they put their minds to.

Life calls for lots of pivots and turns, and we all need to be capable of finding creative solutions when challenges arise. I think as parents we all want that for our kids, we just differ on our approaches.

I see its not about pulling my love away, its about using my love to figure out which moments call for my mommy powers, and which moments are there to help them grow stronger.

Its not going to be easy, but no one ever said parenting was.